1. Delighted to announce that I have won a Drinking Milk Like A Cat competition! Just doing a lap of honour.
2. What do we want? A really fast cat to run past! When do we want it? Mmmeyowwwww!
3. Still angry at my classmates for voting me Most Likely to Hold a Grudge.
4. Two birds sat on a perch. One says to the other: “Can you smell fish?”
5. The hill I will die on is probably that cheese rolling one.
6. Why won’t people talk about slow ghosts? Because they’re the last taboo.
7. Someone’s just 1.27 centimetred my joke about cockneys and the metric system.
8. A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated. It’s just a curd to me.
9. My girlfriend just said I was rubbish at describing her. She’s got a cheek.
10. Three friends and I imbibed too much cider, and after singing so long that our throats were sore, we created a huge, misshapen crop circle. We were the four hoarse men of the epic ellipse.